Only God Can Judge.

****This video does have strong language at times. I do not condone the use of such language, but I didn't make the video.


Throughout my life, I have never looked "normal". I've had to deal with plenty of prejudice due to it, and it doesn't bother me on most days. This isn't one of those days. I am about to be twenty two years old, when is it time for people to realize that I am not going through a stage anymore?

Some people like to bleach their hair, some people like to tan their skin, some people like to dye their hair brown, some people like to wear whatever clothes are popular in fashion magazines. Then, some people like to have interestingly colored or cut hair, some people like to put ink in their skin, some people like to get piercings.

I understand that by doing those second listings of items, you can scare of certain jobs. I get that, and if you decide you want a more "straight laced" job, or a job that won't be okay with you looking "different", then I highly suggest you don't do any of those things.

But why is it so hard for people to understand that expressing yourself to some people is more important than having a corporate job. I will say this over and over again, so I am going to bold it to escape the change of people not understanding, just because you want something, doesn't mean the next person does. Just because you want a corporate, traditional job, doesn't mean the next person does.

What you do for a living should ultimately make you happy in some way shape or form, correct? Whether it be that it makes you the money you want, or you get to do what you love. Who are you to say what that is for anyone but yourself? I understand that as loving humans, we want what is best for each other, but that doesn't mean you get to judge others based on how they look and say that they are never going to get a job that you've pre-chosen for them.

If you love someone, you need to except them for who they are. As long as they aren't doing anything dangerous.

Also, if you sit them down and tell them that they are out of hand for looking a bit different and tell them that they aren't ever going to be married because of it, then you need to seriously look in the mirror and ask yourself why you would say something so horrid to another person.

What happened to the golden rule? What happened to treating others the way they want to be treated?

I am sick and tired of certain people in my life not excepting me for me. I have been working my butt off for the past two years to support myself and try my hardest to get my life on track. We all make stupid mistakes, but I have been trying. I'm sorry I will never be the person you want me to be, but I will be the person God wants me to be, because He is all that matters. Family matters next, and I'm sorry but I can't be the cookie-cutter woman you want. I have to first be who God wants, and secondly be who I want.

You don't get to decide how other people think they should look, think they should make a living, and think they should live their lives. That is God's job, and it is his job as well to judge others.

I think this video explains it best, even though it is talking about the issues some people have with others calling themselves modified, but the point I am trying to make is still there. Even though I pain my skin with permanent ink instead of bronzer, and even though I cut my hair differently than yours, we are both changing the way we were naturally made to suit how we like to look. I don't judge you for your modifications, please give me the same courtesy.

Crumbly Butterflies.

Lately I have been going through a lot. The past five years have been a series of barely believable events, but the past two years have been positively insane. I'm not going to go into all of the details because that isn't the point at the moment. The point is, my boyfriend, the one I was paying off an engagement ring with, broke up with me a week ago last Saturday. God had told us that we were to be married, each at different times, and then a few days before he broke up with me, God told him that we had to break up. We had been making idols of each other. See, we started our spiritual journey together, so we never learned how to lean on God and God alone. We also each have a lot of growing up to do individually. It was really hard to admit at first, but the break up needed to happen and sometimes I think it may have needed to happen sooner. But the timing was actually perfect. Last week I was doing extremely well. Every time I though of something sad, I immediately thanked God for what he was doing in my life-for the second chance to change my life for the better. Due to me not listening to God, however, this week I was in a funk. Adam, my ex, and I decided to go on a date Saturday. It was absolutely wrong. All throughout church that night, the Holy Spirit kept trying to tell me to cancel the date. That it wasn't good. I guess I needed to learn for myself as all kids do when their parents tell them not to do something. The date totally derailed my growth and distracted me from my path. I was in a complete fog this week. I knew the outcome of this hardship would be good, but it was hard to believe it. Tonight during worship in youth, God reminded me of some things. There is a YouTube celebrity called Leda, and he told a story of her tattoo and God reminded me of it. Here is the tattoo, and Leda's story behind it.

She was going through a really hard time growing up and her dad took her on a drive. He told her to look out of the window and tell him what she saw. She said ugly, that the everything was ugly. He said okay, now close your eyes and picture a butterfly, what do you see? She said beautiful. He told her to open her eyes and think of that when she looked at the world. I think that is such an incredible story. Her butterfly tattoo had crumbly ones to start, and as they go up her shoulder they take shape and grow in color. I was sitting in a chair with my head in my hands, singing and telling God I love Him when he showed me a monarch butterfly. God then began to tell me that right now I am the crumbly butterfly, and at the end of all of this, I will be the beautiful, colorful butterfly. He also told me that right now it is hard to see the beauty in the situation and in the world, but that there is beauty in hardships. There is beauty even in the darkest places. I am still amazed at how he is so perfect. His timing is perfect. The way he talks to me is perfect. Every single detail about him is perfect.

Sin Revelations.

Yesterday I was sitting at work waiting for customers to come in, so I decided to read my bible. I ended up in Romans, which I think is my favorite book right now. It seems like almost everything in it speaks to me. Any who, I was reading Romans 6:1, but then when I got to Romans 6:6, Jesus gave me a craazy revelation. I quickly crabbed a piece of copy paper, so here is what ended up spilling out of the tip of my pen. "Romans 6:6-10 -- For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin-because anyone who has died has been freed from sin. Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him. The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God. Much like Jesus died to rid the world of sin, we died to rid our world of sin. This doesn't make us Christ's equal by any means, but the symbolism in this piece of scripture is difficult to ignore. When we give ourselves to God, our old self dies. Our past sins are erased, and we are born again now that He has forgiven us. Jesus died for our sins, and was born again. Much like Jesus couldn't be touched by death again, when we are born again, or "saved", you do not have to fear. For God is now for you, who can be against you?-such as sin. Before you were saved, think of how you felt in comparison to now. I know I for one felt dead. 'Death no longer has mastery over him.' Death, sin, has no control over us anymore. I know it is really difficult to worry and wonder if the past will repeat itself. Sure, you will be tempted, that's the enemy's job, isn't it? But it is God's job to protect and arm us with the ammunition to fire right back at him and say, 'No. I have been saved by my Father, by God in Heaven. He breathed life back into me. Guess what, that sin, that old bondage, it carries no value or weight next to what God has given me.' 'The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God.' That means every word we say, every action we do, everything in our life should reflect our savior and bring glory to him. Why shouldn't it? If someone delivered you of all that garbage, and loved you throughout all of your delinquent days, how could you not want to devote your life to them? See, God doesn't care about what you've done. Drugs, sex, abuse, you name it-he doesn't keep record. He loves you the same, no matter what you have done. No matter how much you've cursed His name and spit in His son's direction. I know, because I was that person. I may as well have been the one physically nailing Jesus to the cross. The day I was saved, earlier in the evening I had purchased a Satanic bible. Guess what? God doesn't care. He saw me and said, 'That is my daughter and I love her.' I ran to him with tears and pieces of the person I was and you know what he did? He stood there with arms wide open ready to catch me and stitch me back together like and father should do. For some people, they don't know what that is like because they've never had an earthly father do something so loving for them. I can tell you right now, no matter how great or bad your earthly father was, God is different. The bottom line is, God loves you unconditionally, something else that many people have no clue how it feels. I know I didn't truly know what it meant to love unconditionally before I came to know God's love. God will continue to love and pursue you no matter what. All you have to do is let him in. Let him in and I promise you, you will want to live for him."

Codependent interests and exploded skulls.

I'm participating in NaNoWriMo this year, and the amount of days that I have been motivated to write versus the amount of days I have just messed around on Tumblr looking at taxidermy and goth kids instead is ridiculous. I feel as though I have been telling people about my book more than I have actually written it. I put myself on a Facebook and Tumblr ban the other day, and I have totally not even looked at either once since then... okay. I've peeked... I'm weak and seem to be doing anything to stall writing at this point. Hence me writing here for the first time in ages. I always have liked keeping a journal, a physical journal, but it seems that my fingers move at a pace much more matched with my brain than my hand combined with a pen can manage. I've been wanting to journal more but even my inspiration for that has been meek to non-existent. Anytime I have thought of something to write, it has been because I want to boast or brag about something. That is really not a good thing to do, and I am ashamed that my brain thinks that way sometimes. Recently, I have been very inspired to be myself no matter what. So with that has come the want to create what I want. Be it a sketch, or a blog post, or a novel. I just feel very inspired to get out things that I have created. I think it has to do with my recent living situation. It's a long story for another time, how we ended up living here, but we are living with three friends at the moment. Each one of them makes art in one way or another, and they are all brave in the sense that they are themselves at all times. They aren't afraid to say something that doesn't go along with what someone else said, if that is how they feel. I am very use to yes-men. But at any rate, I feel like recently I have been getting back to my roots. More and more of me has been emerging with each day. The real me too, or what I hope is. I am so accustomed to becoming entranced by a person, or finding someone tremendously interesting so I end up trying to emulate them in one way or another. There is a fine line between those actions and inspiration. I've realized what things are things that I truly like and enjoy and then what I "like" or "enjoy" because it is something that someone I find interesting enjoys. I suppose I am still codependent in some ways.

I've also realized that I want to pick up bone articulating. I've always been fascinated by the macabre. Bones especially have been very fascinating to me. I've made a few hair jewelry pieces make from bone, and I really want to start creating other art made from animal bones. The picture above is a picture of a Beauchene Skull, or exploded skull. I'm not sure who created this one, but it is so beautiful. I really, really want to own one eventually when my living situation is much more permanent.

I am making a promise to myself to get back in to art and get back into doing things that make me the happiest. I keep coming to revelations that I need to stop living for other people and live for God and myself, but then I let others influence me too much. So from today on, its God, me, and that's it. I've been skateboarding a lot more recently and getting a lot more comfortable with Gomez (my skateboard.). It feels amazing. I've realized that skating is really the biggest metaphor for life, as well as the biggest test in your faith that God has your back. Anyway, here is some stuff that is inspiring me to be me the most right now.

Christian hypocrisy, I know ye well.

Lets say that we want to be single because we think God wants us to. Then say that we just don't feel the same about someone. Then start hanging out with one of their best friends all the time. Lets also use church as a social gathering to talk to flirt with other high schoolers. Lets also use God as a way to get forgiveness for being rude to people. Lets preach about love and then cuss up a storm outside of church. Lets preach about loving everyone and then talk terribly about someone. I'm sick of people giving Christianity a bad name. Especially Christians I know. I probably am not doing the best job right now, but I need to vent. So hello hypocrisy, I suppose I do your bidding as well.

Static.

The past few days have been interesting. Mostly the day before yesterday. I finally admitted that I have been going through some depression again. Once I admitted that to myself, I felt like a weight had been lifted. I had been fighting it for awhile and apparently I wasn't hiding it very well. I told my boyfriend, Adam about it and he said he knew already. Adam is very intuitive and can sense other people's emotions pretty well, so I should have known better, now that I think about it. I was suppose to work that day and realized that I needed the day to re-group and meditate on things. I really dislike that there are some people that will never understand how debilitating depression is. Actually, that is probably an awesome thing that some people will never know what it is like to live with it. That truly doesn't make me upset, but you get the idea. I had to say that I was sick for work, even though I was, mentally. But I don't expect many people to understand that. And maybe that is my fault for judging and generalizing. Regardless, once I did the deed of calling in and lit some candles and incense and just sat in my room listening to Sufjan Stevens I realized just how much I needed the day to myself. To do only what I wanted to do. I am so use to doing things for other people whether it be cooking, driving somewhere, or even just going somewhere when I would rather stay in. It was nice to just think of myself first. I though I was already a pretty selfish person, but Adam made me realize that 90% of what I do is for the happiness of others. In return, the happiness of others is what makes me happy but now I know that I still need days where I am 100% selfish. I had been feeling really distant from God as well. And any Christian will tell you how unnerving that is. Especially when you are use to feeling their presence constantly. Its gotten better until tonight at church. It was a really intense service and it moved so many other people. It had all the ingredients for a moving experience but I felt nothing almost the entire time. Last night was really good though. There was an opening for a new park in Cincinnati called Smale Riverfront Park. It was beautiful. I went with Adam, my dad, step mom, and brother. Here are the pictures I took while there.

Ootd: The Raven

Here is what I wore a few weeks ago to see The Raven. I know I said I would post it awhile ago, I'm just lazy.

What I wore the other night :)

The other night I went to this awesome cafe across the river by The University of Cincinnati called Roxx Electrocafe. If you are ever in the Northern Kentucky/Cincinnati area I highly suggest going there. Especially if you are a giant nerd like me. Adam and I go there a lot, but my friend Rachel, our roommate Bobby, and Adam's sister Christina had never been. The cafe is themed around nerdy stuff. They have a drink dedicated to Doctor Who called The Sonic Screwdriver! It is delicious. Its a smoothie with, I think mango and other yummy fruits. And its bright green! We all ordered a Sonic Screwdriver and some freshly made chocolate chip cookies and hung out a bit. It was pretty fun, but not as fun as it normally is. Adam and I normally go there and play Magic the Gathering with friends and random people we meet there, but that is a level of nerd some of our other friends weren't feelin that night. Haha. My outfit was pretty sweet if you ask me. Here is what I wore. :)

I wore these shoes but not the tights that are shown with them. I forgot to take a picture of them that night. :/