This is me. No lies this time.

For the past year and a half, actually probably more. But specifically the past year and a half, I have been lying to myself as to who I truly am. I have been also allowing others to tell me who I am. Who I should be. Who I should want to be. I feel like it was necessary for things to happen this way to reach the mindset I have reached where I am not a complete ass to people and I try my best to so everything out if love instead of hate like I did in my past.

However, where I am at now is that I am past the point where I needed to lie to myself and am ready to figure out who I am in every way. What I believe on every subject. Where my passions lay and where my beliefs grow.

I need to constantly remind myself of MY beliefs. Stay strong in who I am, and not allow myself to be so influenced. I know who I am. I am who I am. My thoughts and feelings are valid. My beliefs are true. Here is what I have discovered, some of which aren't new or recently unrepressed.

•I am most definitely bisexual.
•Meat us murder.
•My government is tainted and corrupt and I will never trust anything they do.
•I am a hopeless romantic.
•Animal liberation.
•I know there is a God out there. I don't know which version is correct but I cannot deny the spiritual events that have happened to me and the spiritual experiences I have had. It is like trying to deny that water turns to ice if cold enough.
•Everything happens for a reason.
•There is someone made for everyone. Even if you find them on your death bed, you will find them.
•The world is messed up. A revolution is in order.
•The people in this world are messed up. It's time we cared less about ourselves and more about others.
•Everyone is dealing with something. If you don't think you are, you are lying to yourself.
•Nothing lasts forever except death, and I can't say I know that that lasts forever. No one can tell you that.
•I am in love with being in love.
•I have promised myself to never get married. Marriage is an institution. You don't need a piece of paper to say that you want to spend the rest of your life with someone. Society tells you that you do.
•Social networks are ruining our lives. Our abilities to be humans. To have relationships. To be trustworthy. To be trusting. To communicate without a screen.
•Television is rotting our minds.
•Whoever controls the media controls the mind.-Jim Morrision
•There is beauty even in the darkest places.
•I desire to be loved, truly loved at the deepest level more than anything.
•I am afraid of being insignificant.
•The word "hate" gives of negative fives and is pointless.
•If I were to use the word hate I would use it in regards to money.
•Humans are wretched.
•There is so much pain in the world that you need to cling to anything that makes you even remotely happy.
•I started cutting myself when I was 11z I just had my one year anniversary of the last time I self harmed. I will live with the desire to cut for the rest of my life. Like a druggie needing a fix, I will always be tempted.
•I am extremely passionate and sometimes extremely emotional. I feel things with great intensity.

This is who I am. I'm not going to write anymore because this is getting ridiculous. I've figured out so much about myself recently, I could write a book. I am proud of who I am. No one else can say they are me.

Blue Brain Excerpts No.1

"When I love, I love with such depth that the love begins to slowly creep out if my heart and into my veins until my entire body and soul is consumed in a web of devotion. Like a vaccine injection being forced into my arm with a sharp needle. The love seeps into my veins. It can be excruciating but the warm sensation of the substance leaving its source is comforting. It is calming, because in the end, it means life or death. It means everything in the world. And in that one painful moment, I feel alive. Time stops. In a matter of moments, seconds even, it consumes and devours me. It takes me over. It controls me. It becomes me. It saves me. It kills me. It is me."

The world is a vampire.

This world is messed up. Every single person in this messed up world is equally as messed up. No matter how much you try to convince yourself that these things aren't true, in the end you are just lying to yourself.

Although the world is a vile thing, how you deal with it means one of two things. Life. Or death. You can choose to sulk in the garbage of everyday life. Force yourself to relive every wrong that has ever been done to you, every friend that has betrayed you, ever lover that had ever broken your heard, every disappointment you have ever felt. You can choose to get upset and angry at the person driving slow in front of you. You can choose to get pissed off at the person at work who is an "idiot."

Or, you can let go. You can come to terms with the fact that people are wretched. You can forgive, not forget, but forgive people for wronging you because that is all you can do. You can't go back and teach them how to be a decent human being. You can't go back and right their wrongs. You can choose to not get bent out of shape at the slow driver. You can try to have some empathy and realize maybe they are a new driver, maybe they are lost, maybe they are tired, maybe they have a mental problem. Everyone has their bad days. Everyone looses their temper, but try and look back on times when you may have been that slow driver, or that annoying customer.

You may not think you have been that person, but I guarantee you are not free from making mistakes and not realizing you made them.

Going through life with so much resentment and hate is exhausting. I lived it for twenty years.

Coming to terms with things and forgiving people doesn't mean that you forget about the things though. Up until recently I knew this double edged sword all too well.

There is a fine line between being okay with things, and lying to yourself saying that things are okay and legitimizing things that are messed up and shouldn't be okay. I don't know that I will ever perfect that balance.

All I know is that without having hope for a better tomorrow, what is the point of living at all? Before I had hope I had nothing. No reason to live. I just coasted along, drifting from one depressing event to the next. Dying slowly in my own misery.

There is a lot of wretched things and people in this world, when you find something or someone that makes it all seem a bit brighter, focus on it/them and don't let go.