This is me. No lies this time.

For the past year and a half, actually probably more. But specifically the past year and a half, I have been lying to myself as to who I truly am. I have been also allowing others to tell me who I am. Who I should be. Who I should want to be. I feel like it was necessary for things to happen this way to reach the mindset I have reached where I am not a complete ass to people and I try my best to so everything out if love instead of hate like I did in my past.

However, where I am at now is that I am past the point where I needed to lie to myself and am ready to figure out who I am in every way. What I believe on every subject. Where my passions lay and where my beliefs grow.

I need to constantly remind myself of MY beliefs. Stay strong in who I am, and not allow myself to be so influenced. I know who I am. I am who I am. My thoughts and feelings are valid. My beliefs are true. Here is what I have discovered, some of which aren't new or recently unrepressed.

•I am most definitely bisexual.
•Meat us murder.
•My government is tainted and corrupt and I will never trust anything they do.
•I am a hopeless romantic.
•Animal liberation.
•I know there is a God out there. I don't know which version is correct but I cannot deny the spiritual events that have happened to me and the spiritual experiences I have had. It is like trying to deny that water turns to ice if cold enough.
•Everything happens for a reason.
•There is someone made for everyone. Even if you find them on your death bed, you will find them.
•The world is messed up. A revolution is in order.
•The people in this world are messed up. It's time we cared less about ourselves and more about others.
•Everyone is dealing with something. If you don't think you are, you are lying to yourself.
•Nothing lasts forever except death, and I can't say I know that that lasts forever. No one can tell you that.
•I am in love with being in love.
•I have promised myself to never get married. Marriage is an institution. You don't need a piece of paper to say that you want to spend the rest of your life with someone. Society tells you that you do.
•Social networks are ruining our lives. Our abilities to be humans. To have relationships. To be trustworthy. To be trusting. To communicate without a screen.
•Television is rotting our minds.
•Whoever controls the media controls the mind.-Jim Morrision
•There is beauty even in the darkest places.
•I desire to be loved, truly loved at the deepest level more than anything.
•I am afraid of being insignificant.
•The word "hate" gives of negative fives and is pointless.
•If I were to use the word hate I would use it in regards to money.
•Humans are wretched.
•There is so much pain in the world that you need to cling to anything that makes you even remotely happy.
•I started cutting myself when I was 11z I just had my one year anniversary of the last time I self harmed. I will live with the desire to cut for the rest of my life. Like a druggie needing a fix, I will always be tempted.
•I am extremely passionate and sometimes extremely emotional. I feel things with great intensity.

This is who I am. I'm not going to write anymore because this is getting ridiculous. I've figured out so much about myself recently, I could write a book. I am proud of who I am. No one else can say they are me.

Blue Brain Excerpts No.1

"When I love, I love with such depth that the love begins to slowly creep out if my heart and into my veins until my entire body and soul is consumed in a web of devotion. Like a vaccine injection being forced into my arm with a sharp needle. The love seeps into my veins. It can be excruciating but the warm sensation of the substance leaving its source is comforting. It is calming, because in the end, it means life or death. It means everything in the world. And in that one painful moment, I feel alive. Time stops. In a matter of moments, seconds even, it consumes and devours me. It takes me over. It controls me. It becomes me. It saves me. It kills me. It is me."

The world is a vampire.

This world is messed up. Every single person in this messed up world is equally as messed up. No matter how much you try to convince yourself that these things aren't true, in the end you are just lying to yourself.

Although the world is a vile thing, how you deal with it means one of two things. Life. Or death. You can choose to sulk in the garbage of everyday life. Force yourself to relive every wrong that has ever been done to you, every friend that has betrayed you, ever lover that had ever broken your heard, every disappointment you have ever felt. You can choose to get upset and angry at the person driving slow in front of you. You can choose to get pissed off at the person at work who is an "idiot."

Or, you can let go. You can come to terms with the fact that people are wretched. You can forgive, not forget, but forgive people for wronging you because that is all you can do. You can't go back and teach them how to be a decent human being. You can't go back and right their wrongs. You can choose to not get bent out of shape at the slow driver. You can try to have some empathy and realize maybe they are a new driver, maybe they are lost, maybe they are tired, maybe they have a mental problem. Everyone has their bad days. Everyone looses their temper, but try and look back on times when you may have been that slow driver, or that annoying customer.

You may not think you have been that person, but I guarantee you are not free from making mistakes and not realizing you made them.

Going through life with so much resentment and hate is exhausting. I lived it for twenty years.

Coming to terms with things and forgiving people doesn't mean that you forget about the things though. Up until recently I knew this double edged sword all too well.

There is a fine line between being okay with things, and lying to yourself saying that things are okay and legitimizing things that are messed up and shouldn't be okay. I don't know that I will ever perfect that balance.

All I know is that without having hope for a better tomorrow, what is the point of living at all? Before I had hope I had nothing. No reason to live. I just coasted along, drifting from one depressing event to the next. Dying slowly in my own misery.

There is a lot of wretched things and people in this world, when you find something or someone that makes it all seem a bit brighter, focus on it/them and don't let go.

Only God Can Judge.

****This video does have strong language at times. I do not condone the use of such language, but I didn't make the video.


Throughout my life, I have never looked "normal". I've had to deal with plenty of prejudice due to it, and it doesn't bother me on most days. This isn't one of those days. I am about to be twenty two years old, when is it time for people to realize that I am not going through a stage anymore?

Some people like to bleach their hair, some people like to tan their skin, some people like to dye their hair brown, some people like to wear whatever clothes are popular in fashion magazines. Then, some people like to have interestingly colored or cut hair, some people like to put ink in their skin, some people like to get piercings.

I understand that by doing those second listings of items, you can scare of certain jobs. I get that, and if you decide you want a more "straight laced" job, or a job that won't be okay with you looking "different", then I highly suggest you don't do any of those things.

But why is it so hard for people to understand that expressing yourself to some people is more important than having a corporate job. I will say this over and over again, so I am going to bold it to escape the change of people not understanding, just because you want something, doesn't mean the next person does. Just because you want a corporate, traditional job, doesn't mean the next person does.

What you do for a living should ultimately make you happy in some way shape or form, correct? Whether it be that it makes you the money you want, or you get to do what you love. Who are you to say what that is for anyone but yourself? I understand that as loving humans, we want what is best for each other, but that doesn't mean you get to judge others based on how they look and say that they are never going to get a job that you've pre-chosen for them.

If you love someone, you need to except them for who they are. As long as they aren't doing anything dangerous.

Also, if you sit them down and tell them that they are out of hand for looking a bit different and tell them that they aren't ever going to be married because of it, then you need to seriously look in the mirror and ask yourself why you would say something so horrid to another person.

What happened to the golden rule? What happened to treating others the way they want to be treated?

I am sick and tired of certain people in my life not excepting me for me. I have been working my butt off for the past two years to support myself and try my hardest to get my life on track. We all make stupid mistakes, but I have been trying. I'm sorry I will never be the person you want me to be, but I will be the person God wants me to be, because He is all that matters. Family matters next, and I'm sorry but I can't be the cookie-cutter woman you want. I have to first be who God wants, and secondly be who I want.

You don't get to decide how other people think they should look, think they should make a living, and think they should live their lives. That is God's job, and it is his job as well to judge others.

I think this video explains it best, even though it is talking about the issues some people have with others calling themselves modified, but the point I am trying to make is still there. Even though I pain my skin with permanent ink instead of bronzer, and even though I cut my hair differently than yours, we are both changing the way we were naturally made to suit how we like to look. I don't judge you for your modifications, please give me the same courtesy.

Crumbly Butterflies.

Lately I have been going through a lot. The past five years have been a series of barely believable events, but the past two years have been positively insane. I'm not going to go into all of the details because that isn't the point at the moment. The point is, my boyfriend, the one I was paying off an engagement ring with, broke up with me a week ago last Saturday. God had told us that we were to be married, each at different times, and then a few days before he broke up with me, God told him that we had to break up. We had been making idols of each other. See, we started our spiritual journey together, so we never learned how to lean on God and God alone. We also each have a lot of growing up to do individually. It was really hard to admit at first, but the break up needed to happen and sometimes I think it may have needed to happen sooner. But the timing was actually perfect. Last week I was doing extremely well. Every time I though of something sad, I immediately thanked God for what he was doing in my life-for the second chance to change my life for the better. Due to me not listening to God, however, this week I was in a funk. Adam, my ex, and I decided to go on a date Saturday. It was absolutely wrong. All throughout church that night, the Holy Spirit kept trying to tell me to cancel the date. That it wasn't good. I guess I needed to learn for myself as all kids do when their parents tell them not to do something. The date totally derailed my growth and distracted me from my path. I was in a complete fog this week. I knew the outcome of this hardship would be good, but it was hard to believe it. Tonight during worship in youth, God reminded me of some things. There is a YouTube celebrity called Leda, and he told a story of her tattoo and God reminded me of it. Here is the tattoo, and Leda's story behind it.

She was going through a really hard time growing up and her dad took her on a drive. He told her to look out of the window and tell him what she saw. She said ugly, that the everything was ugly. He said okay, now close your eyes and picture a butterfly, what do you see? She said beautiful. He told her to open her eyes and think of that when she looked at the world. I think that is such an incredible story. Her butterfly tattoo had crumbly ones to start, and as they go up her shoulder they take shape and grow in color. I was sitting in a chair with my head in my hands, singing and telling God I love Him when he showed me a monarch butterfly. God then began to tell me that right now I am the crumbly butterfly, and at the end of all of this, I will be the beautiful, colorful butterfly. He also told me that right now it is hard to see the beauty in the situation and in the world, but that there is beauty in hardships. There is beauty even in the darkest places. I am still amazed at how he is so perfect. His timing is perfect. The way he talks to me is perfect. Every single detail about him is perfect.

Sin Revelations.

Yesterday I was sitting at work waiting for customers to come in, so I decided to read my bible. I ended up in Romans, which I think is my favorite book right now. It seems like almost everything in it speaks to me. Any who, I was reading Romans 6:1, but then when I got to Romans 6:6, Jesus gave me a craazy revelation. I quickly crabbed a piece of copy paper, so here is what ended up spilling out of the tip of my pen. "Romans 6:6-10 -- For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin-because anyone who has died has been freed from sin. Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him. The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God. Much like Jesus died to rid the world of sin, we died to rid our world of sin. This doesn't make us Christ's equal by any means, but the symbolism in this piece of scripture is difficult to ignore. When we give ourselves to God, our old self dies. Our past sins are erased, and we are born again now that He has forgiven us. Jesus died for our sins, and was born again. Much like Jesus couldn't be touched by death again, when we are born again, or "saved", you do not have to fear. For God is now for you, who can be against you?-such as sin. Before you were saved, think of how you felt in comparison to now. I know I for one felt dead. 'Death no longer has mastery over him.' Death, sin, has no control over us anymore. I know it is really difficult to worry and wonder if the past will repeat itself. Sure, you will be tempted, that's the enemy's job, isn't it? But it is God's job to protect and arm us with the ammunition to fire right back at him and say, 'No. I have been saved by my Father, by God in Heaven. He breathed life back into me. Guess what, that sin, that old bondage, it carries no value or weight next to what God has given me.' 'The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God.' That means every word we say, every action we do, everything in our life should reflect our savior and bring glory to him. Why shouldn't it? If someone delivered you of all that garbage, and loved you throughout all of your delinquent days, how could you not want to devote your life to them? See, God doesn't care about what you've done. Drugs, sex, abuse, you name it-he doesn't keep record. He loves you the same, no matter what you have done. No matter how much you've cursed His name and spit in His son's direction. I know, because I was that person. I may as well have been the one physically nailing Jesus to the cross. The day I was saved, earlier in the evening I had purchased a Satanic bible. Guess what? God doesn't care. He saw me and said, 'That is my daughter and I love her.' I ran to him with tears and pieces of the person I was and you know what he did? He stood there with arms wide open ready to catch me and stitch me back together like and father should do. For some people, they don't know what that is like because they've never had an earthly father do something so loving for them. I can tell you right now, no matter how great or bad your earthly father was, God is different. The bottom line is, God loves you unconditionally, something else that many people have no clue how it feels. I know I didn't truly know what it meant to love unconditionally before I came to know God's love. God will continue to love and pursue you no matter what. All you have to do is let him in. Let him in and I promise you, you will want to live for him."

Codependent interests and exploded skulls.

I'm participating in NaNoWriMo this year, and the amount of days that I have been motivated to write versus the amount of days I have just messed around on Tumblr looking at taxidermy and goth kids instead is ridiculous. I feel as though I have been telling people about my book more than I have actually written it. I put myself on a Facebook and Tumblr ban the other day, and I have totally not even looked at either once since then... okay. I've peeked... I'm weak and seem to be doing anything to stall writing at this point. Hence me writing here for the first time in ages. I always have liked keeping a journal, a physical journal, but it seems that my fingers move at a pace much more matched with my brain than my hand combined with a pen can manage. I've been wanting to journal more but even my inspiration for that has been meek to non-existent. Anytime I have thought of something to write, it has been because I want to boast or brag about something. That is really not a good thing to do, and I am ashamed that my brain thinks that way sometimes. Recently, I have been very inspired to be myself no matter what. So with that has come the want to create what I want. Be it a sketch, or a blog post, or a novel. I just feel very inspired to get out things that I have created. I think it has to do with my recent living situation. It's a long story for another time, how we ended up living here, but we are living with three friends at the moment. Each one of them makes art in one way or another, and they are all brave in the sense that they are themselves at all times. They aren't afraid to say something that doesn't go along with what someone else said, if that is how they feel. I am very use to yes-men. But at any rate, I feel like recently I have been getting back to my roots. More and more of me has been emerging with each day. The real me too, or what I hope is. I am so accustomed to becoming entranced by a person, or finding someone tremendously interesting so I end up trying to emulate them in one way or another. There is a fine line between those actions and inspiration. I've realized what things are things that I truly like and enjoy and then what I "like" or "enjoy" because it is something that someone I find interesting enjoys. I suppose I am still codependent in some ways.

I've also realized that I want to pick up bone articulating. I've always been fascinated by the macabre. Bones especially have been very fascinating to me. I've made a few hair jewelry pieces make from bone, and I really want to start creating other art made from animal bones. The picture above is a picture of a Beauchene Skull, or exploded skull. I'm not sure who created this one, but it is so beautiful. I really, really want to own one eventually when my living situation is much more permanent.