Christian hypocrisy, I know ye well.

Lets say that we want to be single because we think God wants us to. Then say that we just don't feel the same about someone. Then start hanging out with one of their best friends all the time. Lets also use church as a social gathering to talk to flirt with other high schoolers. Lets also use God as a way to get forgiveness for being rude to people. Lets preach about love and then cuss up a storm outside of church. Lets preach about loving everyone and then talk terribly about someone. I'm sick of people giving Christianity a bad name. Especially Christians I know. I probably am not doing the best job right now, but I need to vent. So hello hypocrisy, I suppose I do your bidding as well.

Static.

The past few days have been interesting. Mostly the day before yesterday. I finally admitted that I have been going through some depression again. Once I admitted that to myself, I felt like a weight had been lifted. I had been fighting it for awhile and apparently I wasn't hiding it very well. I told my boyfriend, Adam about it and he said he knew already. Adam is very intuitive and can sense other people's emotions pretty well, so I should have known better, now that I think about it. I was suppose to work that day and realized that I needed the day to re-group and meditate on things. I really dislike that there are some people that will never understand how debilitating depression is. Actually, that is probably an awesome thing that some people will never know what it is like to live with it. That truly doesn't make me upset, but you get the idea. I had to say that I was sick for work, even though I was, mentally. But I don't expect many people to understand that. And maybe that is my fault for judging and generalizing. Regardless, once I did the deed of calling in and lit some candles and incense and just sat in my room listening to Sufjan Stevens I realized just how much I needed the day to myself. To do only what I wanted to do. I am so use to doing things for other people whether it be cooking, driving somewhere, or even just going somewhere when I would rather stay in. It was nice to just think of myself first. I though I was already a pretty selfish person, but Adam made me realize that 90% of what I do is for the happiness of others. In return, the happiness of others is what makes me happy but now I know that I still need days where I am 100% selfish. I had been feeling really distant from God as well. And any Christian will tell you how unnerving that is. Especially when you are use to feeling their presence constantly. Its gotten better until tonight at church. It was a really intense service and it moved so many other people. It had all the ingredients for a moving experience but I felt nothing almost the entire time. Last night was really good though. There was an opening for a new park in Cincinnati called Smale Riverfront Park. It was beautiful. I went with Adam, my dad, step mom, and brother. Here are the pictures I took while there.

Ootd: The Raven

Here is what I wore a few weeks ago to see The Raven. I know I said I would post it awhile ago, I'm just lazy.

What I wore the other night :)

The other night I went to this awesome cafe across the river by The University of Cincinnati called Roxx Electrocafe. If you are ever in the Northern Kentucky/Cincinnati area I highly suggest going there. Especially if you are a giant nerd like me. Adam and I go there a lot, but my friend Rachel, our roommate Bobby, and Adam's sister Christina had never been. The cafe is themed around nerdy stuff. They have a drink dedicated to Doctor Who called The Sonic Screwdriver! It is delicious. Its a smoothie with, I think mango and other yummy fruits. And its bright green! We all ordered a Sonic Screwdriver and some freshly made chocolate chip cookies and hung out a bit. It was pretty fun, but not as fun as it normally is. Adam and I normally go there and play Magic the Gathering with friends and random people we meet there, but that is a level of nerd some of our other friends weren't feelin that night. Haha. My outfit was pretty sweet if you ask me. Here is what I wore. :)

I wore these shoes but not the tights that are shown with them. I forgot to take a picture of them that night. :/

Movie Review: The Raven

A few months ago whenever I heard that there would be a movie out called The Raven and Edgar Allan Poe would be in it, I was excited but wondered how they were going to turn Poe's The Raven into a feature length film. Then I learned that it was just the name. The actual story was that about a serial killer who has been completely enamored by Poe, therefor following the plot lines of many of Poe's work in order to murder someone from Baltimore. Once the inspector of the town realized what was happening, Poe is enlisted to help shed some light on the cases and hopefully find the murderer. Not to mention this is all during, I believe, the last weeks or so of his life hinting at how Poe could have died. I really was weary about the story line but I thought it was a creative way to deal with his death and explain it. In the beginning of the movie they said that Poe was found on a park bench near death and that was the last time anyone saw him. Which isn't true. He was found dead in a gutter. Aside from this detail, which could be explained away, the movie was fantastic! When I found out that John Cusack was going to play Poe I wasn't very thrilled at all. I though Willem Dafoe or Christopher Walkin would have been much better although they are too old. But not happy-go-lucky Cusack. I am eating my words now. He did a brilliant job. The only emotion that Cusack didn't make me feel that Poe does is creep-ed out. The second the movie was over the thought I had was that I needed to see the movie again, very soon. I highly recommend this movie. Everything from the acting, the way the movie was filmed, and the dialogue, to the costuming and the makeup was awesome. I loved it. The movie was gorier than I had anticipated, and I did look away a little even though I am very familiar with special effects cosmetics, but it was also beautifully done. I have been left with a wonderful bundle of fresh inspiration and even more love for the amazing Edgar Allan Poe. I also did an outfit of the day video of a dress I made for tonight because I am a giant nerd. I will post the video once I have time to upload it.

Vile Recordings.

Listening to a record where all of the recorded musicians were recorded from one take. My first thought was how interesting and inspiring the idea is, and then for some reason my head jumped into selling mode. People like uniqueness and that it sells well. Recording an album full of songs recorded in one take would be a good selling feature to swindle a few quick bucks. I am very beyond disturbed right now. I don't understand if it is society who programmed me to think so vile-y, the more than a year of marketing and sales classes, or if it's just me. I'm a bit distraught because this happens often.

Public Serivice Announcement.

I have been doing my hardest to make sure I am living the life that I want to live. Not the life that others want for me. Yes, I was working in a pretty good clothing store but I was going completely mental doing so. It was a dead end job that meant nothing. I was doing nothing to help anyone. I was doing nothing to make myself happy. I was being managed by a regional sales director who ignored the fact that he had put an older man in charge who had two strokes recently and forced him to work open to close almost ever single day for months on end. My stress level had never been higher. Not to mention having that power hungry man tell us through our tailor that we were all worthless and didn't deserve our jobs when we were all busting our butts to keep the company above water. You tell me if you would want to stay at that place selling suits.

I finally had my migraines under control and due to the stress at this job, I was getting them on a regular basis. Ones that completely crippled me. Not to mention numerous panic attacks and near mental break downs. I also was working so much I never was able to hang out with my friends. And now I've lost contact with pretty much all of them.

I'm sorry I don't want some ridiculous corporate job just like everyone else. I would rather make just enough to live off of and be helping people or be happy than be constantly depressed and stressed out, faking every smile I give if I even give one. I guess I am selfish in this way.

So yes, I quit that job because there were BIG ETHICAL ISSUES going on there that I wanted zero to do with. I also wasn't happy and that is the most important thing to me. That and my sanity which wasn't doing so hot either.

I found a job at our local health food store working for a family of people who actually give two cents about others. I am making a difference for people, even if it is a small one. I was welcomed with loving open arms, something I haven't experienced in a lot of other workplaces. And you know what the kicker is, I'm happy. I actually see a pretty bright future ahead of me now. I see a light at the end of the tunnel and my life finally has direction. I'm making slightly less money but that's okay.

So don't you dare tell me what kind of job I am suppose to have or what kind of job you want me to have because if you want me to have a job that is threatening to put me in a loony-bin than I'm sorry to disappoint. If you want me to have a job where serious ethical problems are occurring, than once again you're going to be disappointed.

I'm sick and tired of people having issues with me trying to find a job where I am happy. First of all I have an issue with working somewhere just so I can have the necessary food, water, and shelter. Second, I refuse to be in a miserable job just like everyone else until I die. That is a pathetic way to live the short life we have. I'm sorry if any of this comes across as rude but that is the stick I have been dealt in this matter. I'm sick of being walked on and talked to and especially talked about like some idiot when all I am doing is perusing my own happiness and a way to help people.

In the end happiness is all that matters. I'm not doing drugs, I'm almost never touch alcohol, I never go out, I don't hurt people. I'm sick of being treated like I am and I'm done not standing up for myself.