Sometimes I wish this company were real.

Some people from the past need to stay there. I'm sick of being haunted, even after more than a year. It makes me wonder if I will ever be free from thoughts of them. Even when I am happier than I have ever been in my entire life, I will have a flashback that threatens to change all of that.

Can you find best friends on Craigslist like you can a desk?

In this day and age how are you suppose to make friends? There is so much fake stuff floating around. I just want to have that best friend again that calls me ever day and I call them everyday. Someone who loves God as much as I do. Someone who has the same interests as I do. Someone I don't have to worry about having my back, talking bad about me, or not understanding my relationship with God. A lot of my friends don't believe in God or even take part in a different religion which is perfectly fine and I still love them, but it is really hard to find someone like me out there.

The creep that I am always finds people on different social networking sites that I would love to get to know and would get along great with, but due to them being well known its impossible.

Bleh. Frustrations about this stuff have been a re-occurring thing lately. I just miss having that person that is so close they are almost like having a twin. I love my boyfriend and consider him my best friend, but its not nearly as fun to go shopping and talk about girly stuff with him. I'm sure he feels the same way. I just want to find my match in the best friend department. I feel like everyone is already paired off with one so its hard to get close to anyone.

I also feel like a lot of people are so wrapped up in the negatives. I want to find someone that is really uplifting and positive all the time. I understand everyone has their ups and downs but I feel like some people just have so much negative energy around them, ya know?

I don't know. I shouldn't complain. I do have wonderful friends and family and a loving boyfriend. Its just hard whenever I see other people having girls days and having best friends who are like a second half.

Nature is gooood.

I got a brand new, awesome 32g, white iPhone for Christmas this year. I went to the gym one night, and forgot my lock. I thought I would be fine completely hiding it in clothing and at the bottom of my backpack in a locker, but no. The weird girl that I though was strangely watching me change and such was apparently watching my iPhone instead. I was flattered, but once I realized my phone wasn't at the bottom of my backpack wrapped in my shirt and pants that quickly changed to anger. I searched and searched and searched for the wench and all I found was myself panicking. The worst part of the whole ordeal was that it was a gift from my loving mother.

Its been about two weeks, maybe three since "the incident" and although I miss Instigram dearly and having a GPS on me at all times since I have the sense of direction of a watermelon, I am growing more and more happy and okay with the desperate girl acting on probable impulse. I had been trying to get back into making art, writing, and reading more often as well as trying to cut the cord so to speak on my relationship with technology. I still check my e-mail and various social networking sites every morning and usually once in the evening, but it is really nice to not have the option to check it constantly now that I am using an old Pantech that isn't as smart as my/her iPhone.

I've always felt pretty in touch with nature and the Earth, hence my Wiccan days, so the loss of my phone was kind of the turning point to what has sprouted a slow building complete turn around in my life. A few weeks, maybe a month or more before Christmas I started being really turned off by factory made clothing and mass produced clothing/goods. That has slightly worn off. The most recent change is that I have stopped messing with my hair so much. I haven't straightened more than my straight across bangs for the reason that they are straight across and my hair is actually showing noticeable signs of growth.

Although I have a makeup focused YouTube channel, and love makeup and special effects makeup, I have felt really disgusting every time I wear the amounts of makeup I use to. (See my last post.) And since the last times I talked about in my last post, I haven't worn more than some concealer, mineral powder, and mascara. I've kept up with washing, toning, and moisturizing my face every morning and usually every night. I can't even tell you the last time my skin has felt this good.

I also signed up for a grocery service I have been eye-balling for awhile called Green B.E.A.N. Delivery. The groceries they offer are organic and natural produce and groceries delivered right to you. A couple people I know have been happy members for a little while and I can't wait for my first delivery next Friday! The link to the website is: http://www.raniamaria.eu/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/DSC_8358_red31.jpg

I'm sick of wearing a mask.

I have had the urge all day today to just throw out almost all of my makeup, my straightener, my blow dryer, my curling iron, and all of the other crap that helps me alter how I look naturally. All the stuff that helps me hide behind who I really am. The past month I haven't straightened my hair except for my fringe and I have barely worn any makeup. I tried two times in the past week to wear the layers of makeup that I use to wear daily and by the end of the day I felt completely disgusting inside and out and couldn't wait to take a shower. It felt like I had clay all over my face, or wax or something. I also didn't feel like I looked as good at first once I saw myself with the "mask" on. I feel like that's all it is. A mask. And don't get me wrong, its nice to play dress up every once in awhile, but for the most part I can't stand altering myself so much like I use to.

I really want to start taking an active roll in only putting natural things on and in my body. Eating healthy and being active aren't the only important aspects of being 100% healthy overall, I have slowly been realizing.

Stipulations when talking about religion.

A few weeks ago a friend had a party and after everyone was pretty liquored up except me, the topic of religion came up. Before I go into anymore detail, here is a little math equation for you to work out.

Alcohol + religion convo + a Wiccan + a Christian = good conversation + Satanists = bad conversation

One of my best friends is a Wiccan and I love her to death. I'm a Christian. Surprisingly our beliefs aren't too far from each other. We were having a great conversation about how it baffles us that some people don't believe in anything at all and have no faith that there is more after we die. How can you look at the beautiful sky and not think something is out there. How can you look at the incredible complexity that is the human race and believe it just happened randomly. It's such a depressing thought to think that we are just born, live, then die and rot into the Earth.

Yes, I believe in God, but I also believe in science and evolution. I believe that God created it. Why couldn't God who has proved to do insanely radical impossible things also be the master mind behind evolution. Evolution does happen, you can't ignore scientific fact. Just like you can't ignore supernatural experiences that you've encountered with a higher power. Those same experiences are also things that others won't truly understand until they go through something similar or exact themselves. An unfortunate but also complicatedly nice fact about those things.

First of all, you can't call yourself an atheist and a satanist at the same time. Being an atheist means that you don't believe anything is out there, the absence of God. Being a satanist recognizes that there is a God and there is Satan. You can't have one without the other. The two religious outlooks are complete opposites. If you recognize that there is Satan, an entity from the Christian religion, than you acknowledge that there is a God.

I believe that there is a religion out there for everyone. If you sincerely in the pit of your gut feel that (insert various religion here) is the religion for you, then good for you. I also believe that at one point or another in everyone's life they will eventually feel a connection to God, whether they ignore it or not. I tried for many years, exploring other religions, to fill the void that I finally filled with God. No matter how awesome a religion sounded or how many beliefs I had in common with it, there was always something missing, and I don't feel that way with God. I would love for people to find God like I did and certainly want people the have the life changing experiences I did and continue to have, but that doesn't mean I am going to push my religion onto anyone.

I really enjoy talking to other people about religion, especially if they believe in a different religion than me because I like learning about people's beliefs and why they have them, but the second that someone gets rude I can't help but feel my skin boil. I just don't understand why some people feel the need to be so rude when talking to other people who have a different religious belief as someone else. No two humans, no two living beings are exactly the same. Like snowflakes. So naturally no two humans are going to agree 100% on anything, especially religion. So why get so rude about it? I guess to most people religion and the ability to behave like a two year old arguing over who's toy is really who's go hand in hand. Why can't we all just have respect and love for each other? I guess deep down there is more hippie in me than I thought.




**To clear the air and cover myself, I want to point out that I'm in no way calling anyone a two year old that was involved in the debate, the who conversation just got me thinking about this topic.

Goth is not Slipknot or Marilyn Manson.

I'm not exactly an expert on goth by any means, but its really upsetting that the majority of people think that artists like Marilyn Manson and Slipknot is goth. Same goes for all the industrial music that is out there. VNV Nation is not goth. Psyclon 9 is not goth. The Cure is goth, The Smiths are goth.

There is such an obsession with goth fashion right now and that is getting so messed up as well. Just because you wear black lipstick, draw your eyebrows on, and paint your nails black, doesn't mean you can call yourself goth. Same with wearing shirts with anything to do with Satan and Satanists. Satanists are Satanists. They can be goth, but not every goth is a Satanist or Wiccan. Goth is about music and fashion, not your religious beliefs.

Who knew they made gummy pigs?

Yesterday I took a mental health day. My boyfriend, Adam, and I went shopping for a birthday present for his brother and in the process ended up purchasing $13 worth of candy! I normally don't have much of a sweet tooth, but I was in a poopy mood ever since the night before. I was feeling really gross and not quite happy with how I look.






My two bags of candy. Haha. Gummy frog, licorice swirls, chocolate covered raisins and walnuts, giant gummy snakes, gummy strawberries, a gummy pig, gummy sour strips, gummy butterflies, rock candy, and God only knows what else. Haha.

After we were done shopping we went to 922, our church and it was amazing. It was one of the best church experiences I've had. You could tell that everyone was feeling something supernatural. Everyone was crying and singing, it was so beautiful. I realized that I have been so wrapped up in how I look when I should be worried about who I am and what is on the inside instead. I've been so worried about trying to look a certain way that I've been losing parts of myself along the way. I need to be less worried about myself and focus all that wasted energy on things that actually matter.